Priorities

Often the question of priorities comes up for me. Are my priorities in order? The focus is usually grad school. For grad school the answer is easy. Nope, my priorities are not in order because I am dragging my feet on making a decision.

Today was the start of another vacation, which will last close to two weeks. I 'should' be at work since tomorrow I would know if I still have a job or not. Instead I will be going on another road trip.

Part of me wants to be laid off so I can go on an extended vacation and be forced to move on to another state or another career (maybe both). Another part of me does not like the idea of interviews and not knowing...yep, I am attached to my salary. haahaha

My priorities in this time of uncertainty? If I get laid off, I would be on vacation anyway so I got an early start. If I still have a job, there is going to be so much damn work (and less people) I am going to need a vacation.

In conclusion, I did make a decision. I did prioritize. My conclusion: F*ck it! My #1 priority is me and spending time with my father.

Off to the lake. ;)

Spent

I have been participating in a six month program that has come to an end. It did so at the right time, I had reached my limit. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. The thing that was killing me when things were bad was that I signed up for the program. I submitted an application and accepted the offer to join.

Every team had a vision, which in theory would provide cost-savings to the company. We presented our results yesterday to a room of peers and upper management. A vice president is willing to support our project. My team got so much positive feedback after our presentation...our egos will be healthy for a long time.

The journey to this point was not easy. (We were warned in advance about this.) It got to the point where I wanted to quit. (I am not a quitter.) It got the point where I was trying desperately not to hate my team members. (I never use the word hate.)

During the journey, I felt anger, disappointment. I cried. I was stressed. I was disconnected. I counted months, days, hours for it to be over.

Now that it is over, I feel a void. We learned so much, it has not really hit us yet. We were tested on so many different levels both professionally and personally.

We walked away knowing our strengths, but most importantly our weaknesses.

We walked away knowing we are leaders. Everyone thinks they can lead, but until given the opportunity no one really knows. Today I know for a fact that I can lead. Any doubts I ever felt are gone. The confidence I have gained is going to serve my life, not just my career. I am a different person than I was six months ago.

We went out to celebrate tonight. It was sad. It was superficial. We never bonded as a team. It may not hit us right away, but we have the answers to what went wrong. If each of us is able to pinpoint, own and work on what went wrong for each of us personally the past six months were a gift. If we are unable to do so, the past six months were a waste.

Expectations

To be a woman in this day and age is good, but it could be better. Double standards still exist, sometimes strongly imposed from one woman to another. This in addition to the double standards men impose on women.

One of my coworkers has very strong opinions regarding his wife, a woman with degrees in physics. She is to be a stay-at-home mom, regardless of the fact that she wants to work. I can only imagine not being able to work because my partner did not allow it. (The words "divorce court" quickly come to my mind.) When I asked him how his wife were to support herself and their daughter should something happen to him, he walked away from my desk. The conversation was apparently over. I was not arguing the mom part. I respect all moms. I was arguing not having the choice to work, the forced dependence.

I can tell I make him uncomfortable. He has this fear that his daughter will grow up to think like me. "Too practical, too independent." If she is lucky, she will be independent and practical. It's beyond luck though, it's going to be her environment.

Which brings me to the movies that made me realize, how lucky I am to be a woman today and not in the 1820s or the 1860s.

Vanity Fair
Reese Witherspoon's Becky makes it up the social ladder with less than honorable methods. Here you have a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it, except it looked bad. I both disliked and cheered for Becky. Disliked her because of her ambitions. Cheered for her because of her ambitious nature.

I know there is a notion of social classes everywhere. Either I don't notice them around me or I don't care. I think it is a blend of both. It is also not in my face. I have a friend who desperately wants to be in the upper class, it is how she defines success for herself. She thinks it will bring her happiness. I wonder how long it's going to take her to realize it won't.

Cold Mountain
Nicole Kidman's character, Ada, started out as a weakling, but grew strong. Ada was a proper lady thrown way out of her reality when her father passes away at the start of the Civil War. She must learn to fend for herself with the help of Rene Zellweger's, Ruby, a not so proper lady.
This movie is a love story, which I got caught up in. The long separated lovers, Ada and Jude Law's Inman, were going to be together or so I thought! What a letdown! All that drama for nothing! Was his journey worth it? I think not.