Trust

I have issues with trust. I am the first one to admit it. It is funny though, because I, by default, trust all the drivers around me on the highway...strangers. I trust them to follow the agreed upon laws set forth for everyone's protection.

Today I had to trust someone would not drop me during a trust task. The first exercise was hard for me. All I had to do was drop back a few inches. That was it! I did it but with much dread. I returned the favor and it was on to the next task.

Task #2 required my small team to climb up a tree, approximately 40 to 50 feet off the ground. The first ten feet were on a flimsy ladder, which your ladder partners would hold to minimize wobble. The remaining distance you had to rock climb using some square and cylindrical pegs. Once you got the the twelve inch ledge, you had to stand on it and turn around, jump off the ledge to hit a ball a few feet above your head and float down. (There was a harness on you.) I secured my teammates ropes, acted as their ladder partner or spotter, should they fall. When it came time to me, we had run out of time. I was so disappointed because due to my passive nature on this task, I did not get a chance to float.

Task #3 required a team of 50 to get people over a 15 or 20 foot wall. No Ropes. Just people pushing you up and people pulling you up. Should there be a fall backward, no net. You had 42 people spotting you with their hands. I f*ucked up. I was wearing a fleece jacket which was too smooth for the people pulling up to get a firm hold of me. The task overseer mentioned that you should consider getting into a harness if you had fleece on. I didn't do it. Then it got surreal. People on top were yelling, people on the bottom were yelling, my spotters were yelling, I was yelling. My words: "Let go, I want to fall to the ground. Let me go." Turns out those yells were all in my head nothing was coming out of my mouth.
Psychologically I checked out. People were talking and I could see right through them. I was not ignoring them. My mind was in overdrive analyzing: what went wrong?
Then they started to egg me on for a second try. A f*cking second try! After that drama, are you kidding me!
Next thing I know I had a harness on (which I did not put on), I was walking towards the wall and 50 people were yelling: "You can do it!" "Come on!" "We got this."
My movements were robotic, do this first, do that second. Next thing I knew I had made it.
My pride was wounded, it took me two tries! Everyone pointed out my courage. After a full day in the redwoods, some people said my going back was the highlight of the day...the courage. I'll have to take those words at face value, because my pride is still wounded and I am kicking myself for the first unsuccessful attempt.

Teambuilding exercises. I had to trust those people. The first try sucked. I needed them and they helped me pull through the second attempt. If that is not trust, I don't know what is.

Heading home, my pride was still wounded. This did not last long. I volunteer answering phones at a local crisis line. The following calls put my little mishap in perspective:
1) Family member diagnosed with Alzheimer's
2) Husband terminal with cancer
3) Mother wants to commit suicide
4) "I need a gun to kill myself"