Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Envy and Jealousy


This past weekend I experienced a negative feeling towards someone I know. It's such an uncomfortable feeling. I have been trying to figure out which of the two feelings it is: envy or jealousy.

I know what jealousy feels like in the context of romantic relationships. Often times it was rooted in my own insecurity, other times I now think I felt it for a reason...as an indicator of sorts, as a wake-up call that something was not right in the relationship.
This past weekend the feeling was not rooted in insecurity. It was not jealousy.

I'm conflicted because consciously I want to feel genuine happiness for this person. I've been reflecting and the envious feeling is subsiding.

I'm glad to disclose that negative feelings are not a common occurrence for me. That is why when I do feel them, they are very pronounced and I get stuck in this questioning mode: Why?

I firmly believe that we have a choice in most things. I've made it a point to choose not to be envious and it is working.

The last time I felt 'potential' envy was some years ago. I say potential, because it was nipped in the bud before it bloomed. Thank goodness. I have had a simple life. I consider myself a simple person. Material things were of little importance until I moved here. While I do think that money makes things easier, I know it does not buy happiness. If happiness can be bought, the feeling is only temporary at best. I'm surrounded by a lot of people that are driven by money. I started to notice that this was having an effect on me when I started to want just for the sake of wanting, I could provide no reason for needing X or Y. I have not changed friends. Their priorities are still the same, but I've learned to respect those priorities as opposed to making them my own.